Today was a perfect fall day, a little cloudy, and a little sunny, with gorgeous red, gold, and orange leaves covering the ground and trees. It even smelled like fall. Even a florist in town is finally selling pumpkins! It is a good day to be alive.

I finished my essay on Sherlock Holmes (no, he is not a sociopath. He does have emotions), and chilled the rest of the day. This afternoon was so gorgeous that I had to take pictures of the leaves. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon staring out the window at the beautiful world God created that I get to experience.

We like to go through life in a rush, wishing it to be some time in the future; perhaps a wedding, a birthday, a concert, a holiday. We almost never take the time to stop and look around us; to look at the world, the nature, the people, the places. We are too stressed, too busy, too in a hurry, too worried. I am just now learning that this is not a good way to live life. I’m learning to live in the present and what a difference it makes! I’m happier and not as worried, and I am not wishing it to be a time it is not and getting disappointed because once I reach that time it isn’t what I though and so on and so forth.

Today I took the time to just sit in front of the open window and listen to the sounds, watch the birds and the squirrels, and think. As some of you know, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I did not realize until I got on the medication that I had forgotten what being happy really felt like. To me, being happy was feeling ‘ecstatic’ over the release of your favorite movie or book. It was feeling ‘excited’ to see my family and friends. That is, if I did even feel excited or ‘happy.’ Because it was very fleeting and never stayed for long periods of time. It was as if it were a shadow of the real thing. And sometimes when I should have been happy, I wasn’t. It wasn’t that I couldn’t feel emotions, I just didn’t process them in the same way, except for sadness. Sadness was always with me, dogging my every step, plunging me into deep darkness in the recesses of the night. I could never escape this emotion. Most of the time it was out to get me, not at all like Sadness in Inside Out. This sadness was evil. It was a pit that I could never escape, only sink farther down. It was the lie that I wasn’t good enough and perhaps shouldn’t even be here because no one wanted me. And it covered happiness with a dark goo that clouded it so I could never experience the good the way it was supposed to be.

When the medicine started to work, that darkness lifted for the first time since I can remember. It was like stepping into a world of color. Suddenly all the emotions and senses overcame me in the way they were supposed to be. I told my boyfriend Nick one night that I had no idea that this is what happiness was. I was finally in the light. I finally didn’t believe the lies that had been a part of me for so long. I am loved and wanted. I am smart. I am important. I am happy. I am at peace. I am finally me.

Today, looking out that window, I felt what it was like to be happy to be alive. And it struck me that I had not thought that before. Not like this. I am at peace. I am happy. It was wonderful to just experience God’s love.

Last night I was watching Prince Caspian in the background while I wrote my essay. I’ve seen it so many times, it can sometimes just be white noise in the background but still helps me write. As I watched the end when the Pevensies have to go back, I suddenly felt myself tearing up. When Regina Spektor’s song ‘The Call’ came on I had the strangest feeling of happiness and sadness. And I realized, that the ending of Prince Caspian is what it will be like going back to the States. Coming to England was like the beginning of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. It is a new place, a dream come true, a wonderful adventure. The beginning of ‘The Call’ is the beginning of the adventure: ‘It started out as a feeling, which grew into a hope.’ Going home will be the ending of Prince Caspian, having to say goodbye when not wanting to, with the promise of perhaps coming back in the future, but not knowing when. ‘Just because everything’s changing, doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before…You’ll come back when it’s over. No need to say goodbye…doesn’t mean you have to forget. Let your memories grow stronger and stronger, ‘Till they’re before your eyes. You’ll come back when they call you. No need to say goodbye.’

England is my Narnia. It is the place that, to me, was the adventure I wanted if I couldn’t get to Narnia through the back of my closet. It was the adventure I wanted because I couldn’t go to Middle Earth or Hogwarts. But yet, perhaps I could, through Great Britain. Perhaps I could have an adventure. And so I dreamed. And I found the way that God opened for me. It wasn’t the way I expected. It wasn’t when I expected. But that’s the best kind. That’s how you go on adventures, when you least expect them. That’s how you get to Narnia.

I’m on my adventure to my Narnia, and the best part is, I am able to experience it the way I should be. I am able to sit back and appreciate and enjoy the UK and, the places, and the nature. I am able to just listen and look and take in everything, while thanking God for this opportunity. I am able to get properly excited about getting to do things like going to see Benedict Cumberbatch in Hamlet and see a Shakespeare play in the Globe. I am able to really truly have fun with my friends. And most of all, I am able to feel happy about everything. And to laugh and smile like I’ve never laughed and smiled before.