This week has been a whirlwind of emotions. (Yes, I realize that’s cliche). I don’t think I will ever get over the feeling that this is real. It still feels like I am stuck in a really good dream surrounded by so much that I love that I don’t have time to focus on anything negative. I’m not even negative about the 2 papers I am working on that are due Wednesday. I’m getting to use the best library in the world and write about any topic I so wish from the very extensive list!

I’m writing my first on, are Shakespeare’s histories history? I’m focusing on Henry V and Richard III. That essay is almost done. My second is how did the British attitudes towards war change during the first world war? I’m about finished with researching, but I am very torn up inside from reading first person accounts.

I’m becoming more comfortable with going around Oxford on my bike by myself and have found some cool shops and back ways to get places. And, I have, as of today, made it up Headington Hill with only resting for a minute or two. It’s a pretty large hill, but actually not as bad as I thought originally. It’s just that central OH literally doesn’t have any hills except for one that is not near my house so I haven’t ever had practice biking on hills. Let’s just say, I will have some nice leg muscles when I return.

I’m learning how to buy food for just me and how to cook really good food! I can cook chicken, and chicken and pasta. (yeah, mom, so diverse!) And I have eaten more PB and J these past few weeks than I’ve ever eaten because it’s an easy lunch to pack when I’m going to be out all day.

I’ve finally learned the library system and know where to find books and that the words “closed stack” means I have to order them because the library can’t keep a copy of every book on site. They have a warehouse literally filled from floor to high ceiling with boxes of books. It’s quite amazing. (I’ve only seen a picture of it).

I got to see Oxford University Press. Enough said.

The best story I think I have is from this past week. I ran/jogged 3 miles through downtown London to make it to the Globe on time. The play we saw was Measure for Measure which is, I guess a comedy, but is one of Shakespeare’s problem plays due to not being able to categorize it. It was pretty good, not one of my favorite, but hey, I didn’t mind. I got to see a Shakespeare play in the Globe. That was basically number 2 on my bucket list. Number 1 was going to England. The Globe was even better to see in person. I couldn’t believe that I was there. I still can’t believe I was there!

Anyway, so I ran 3 miles to get there, then we stood for 3 hours (but we were RIGHT next to the stage which was AMAZING!), and then we walked back 3 miles. Added to that, we went to Bath the next day and walked around the Roman Baths and the city. Let’s just say, my feet were full of blisters and not happy.

But, I get to see Benedict Cumberbatch in person in Hamlet in a couple of weeks. Enough said.

And I’m going to hike the Highlands in Scotland. What more could I want?

I think the reason that I can’t believe that I am here is that I have gotten used to be disappointed when I want to do or see something and it doesn’t work out. I’m used to dreaming but having people tell me that I can’t ever do what I desperately want to do. I’m used to thinking: oh, when I’m older I’ll do that or write that. I’m used to thinking that the adventure I so craved as a child was only in the books I read and not in real life, because who could ever do the thing they most want in the whole world? That’s only the happy ending of books you read as a child. It’s always too expensive or unattainable because you’re not smart enough or pretty enough. And heaven forbid you actually try to follow your dream, because you will most definitely fail.

Most people can’t follow the dreams they have because “that’s not real life.” Real life is waking up and finding you need to work a job you don’t even like, to live in a mundane world without the dreams that so fed you. For years I dreamed of going to England, in my mind, I convinced myself, it was literally just a dream. There was no possible way on God’s earth I was ever going to get there.

But for some reason, I never let go of the dream. I never stopped imagining. I never quenched that small flame of hope. Even though it hurt as dreaming so often does. (I found that out when I cried in the back of my closet trying to get to Narnia). I am getting to live my dream. I am actually here no matter how much I keep pinching myself and walking around wide eyed at what is happening. Growing up dreaming and not having the dreams come true made me almost think that dreams don’t come true. That’s why they are called dreams, right? They are fake and for children, and once you grow up, there is no more room for them. I dreamed of coming to Oxford, but the lie was that I wasn’t smart enough or that I wouldn’t get in because they wouldn’t like me.

And yet, I am living in another country, studying at one of the most prestigious schools, with the best library, and loving the culture. I am here because God told me to apply no matter what, not worrying about the money or the lie that I wasn’t smart enough. I’m here because God kept telling me that I needed to come, He kept opening those doors, and showing me, that dreams, when dreamed for the right reasons, really do come true. And not to give up just because people tell you that “perhaps this time isn’t the time” or “maybe you can’t handle this right now” or “you can still back out if you want” or “I don’t think that you should go if you are having problems with your bipolar.” Every time someone told me that, God would give me a nudge and say “this is where I want you.” I never doubted it.

Fairy tales are there to teach us lessons Most people would say that they teach us the wrong lessons about dreams and having good things happen, but I beg to differ. The stories are what led me here. The fairy tales told me to dream. The stories taught me how to dream and wish and look for Narnia in the back of my wardrobe. Because I believed, deep down I believed that dreams do come true. I will never stop dreaming. I will never stop wishing and hoping. I don’t want to become that adult who just goes through life in a black and white, grey sort of way. I want to see the colors. I want to see the opportunities and snag them as they pass by. I don’t want to keep believing that dreams don’t ever come true. Because life is infinitely better when you stop and think about all the wonderful things you have done and want to do. And every once in a while, a dream will come when you least expect it to. It will grab your hand, smile, and whisper: “Run.” And you go with it, until you can’t believe it’s happening.

It is almost every book lover’s dream to walk into an old library, smell the books, look at the gorgeous architecture, and explore.

Today, that dream became a reality for me. 🙂 As an Oxford University student (yes, I am officially called that!), we get access to all of the Bodleian libraries. The public are never allowed inside.

The inside and the outside both are breathtaking. The architecture is centuries old. The inside is gilded and has painted trim around the top of people and sayings in, I believe, Latin. It has several winding staircases of metal and wood/marble. It looked like all those meme drawings of girls reading on a winding staircase surrounded by books. Honestly, I’m a Creative Writing major, and I’m having a hard time describing this amazing place. Although that could be because I’m really tired from biking around Oxford and orientation.

The libraries have over 1.7 Million books. They have every book ever published in Britain and Ireland. Every single book. That is mind boggling to me. They have original manuscripts and first drafts from many authors including Jane Austen, Shakespeare, Chaucer (well, original draft of the illuminated manuscript), just to name a few. They also have original music from Mendelssohn. And the first cover art for The Hobbit drawn by J.R.R. Tolkien. I didn’t get to see the latter personally yet, but I did see a picture. 🙂

I did not want to leave, but I am so excited to be able to study at these libraries. I haven’t ever liked researching through books, however, that has suddenly changed in the course of an afternoon. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had this desire to research so much. I mean, when else in my life am I going to have access to this sort of knowledge and information? Probably never. I am going to take full advantage of this beyond amazing opportunity.