Recently, I watched all six seasons of Parks and Recreation during Christmas break. And then I finished the seventh season today. The last episode got me thinking about something that has been on my mind a lot recently: the future.

I’m a second semester Junior at Asbury University. I got back recently from a life changing four months of my life in Oxford, England. I’m thinking about all the stuff I have to do before I graduate; get a media internship, finish my classes well (taking 18 credit hours every single semester), go to a writing conference for practicum, not to mention having to say goodbye to some great friends as they graduate this May.

Adjusting back to school in the States has been very difficult. I just ended my first week back to school, and by the end of it, I was so emotionally drained and feeling so out of place that I just broke down and cried. It’s so strange because of course you think of culture shock as being something that happens when you look at things physically such as going to a grocery store and seeing different foods or driving on the other side of the road again, but in reality, culture shock is more of realizing the fact that life happened still when you were gone. Your friends made other friends. They had different experiences and did different things that you will never get to experience with them. And you did things that they will never get to experience with you. It’s like suddenly you are on different paths, and as Frodo says in the Lord of the Rings: ‘How do you pick up the threads of an old life?’ I have been on an adventure and now I need to acclimate back to a life I used to live. But I came back changed, and I am not sure what I am supposed to do.

I want to go back to England someday, but I know that is not where God wants me to be right now. I need to be here, but the trick is, trying to find out what I am supposed to do the next few years of major changes in my life. That’s where it gets scary, and all you want to do is curl up in a ball in your blanket fort and hope that life leaves you alone. Because the future is something that is big and unknown and there is so many paths that we can go down. Friends are leaving to go down their separate paths, and as Leslie Knope realizes with the parks department in Parks and Rec, we have no idea when we will see each other or be in the same group again. The idea of having to get a job that will be your life instead of school is so overwhelming, especially if you are like me and have so many options out there, you don’t even know where to start. Or maybe you don’t have the options and have a small window of where you can get a job, and you are hoping you can get in. Perhaps you are getting married or engaged and that scares you. Having to think about your life with another person and how that will change you is something that can be paralyzing, beautiful, and exciting.

In the last episode of Parks and Rec, the show takes you into the future of each of the characters, showing how they thought they knew the direction their life was going in the present and how it actually went in the future. There were so many different things that happened. It would be neat if we could see, in some sense, where we are headed, but really, would we want that? Half the fun of life is getting surprised. It’s like reading a great book or watching a great TV show and suddenly something happens you were not expecting (watch last night’s Downton Abbey, you will definitely be surprised), and you get so excited that it just blows your mind. Sometimes that something can be really sad, but you have to push through, and you become a better person because of it.

Only God knows the future. We can’t run our lives. He does. And He gives us the future he knows we can handle, with the right amount of challenges, surprises, and great opportunities. If I ran my life, it would be a mess. I’d have no idea what I was doing (heck, sometimes I still have no idea what I am doing, but at least God shows me at some point what he meant). It’s great having a guide and knowing we do not have to worry about the future. God takes care of us, our friends take care of us, and we need to take each day as it comes to us; learning, laughing, crying, and surprised by all the wonderful things life has in store. I will probably look back on this time and be really happy with the lessons I learned and how they got me where I am at that moment in the future. Because I know I’ll be where God wants me to be. And as Gandalf tells Frodo in the Lord of the Rings: ‘All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.’ And that means not worrying about the future, but taking each day and realizing the endless possibilities that are thrown our way.

Every time I get back from school, it is the strangest thing for me because it is like suddenly stepping back into my previous life. This time, however, has been even stranger because I had to step back into another country. Last night at the Christmas service, I suddenly realized why this transition is so hard. I grew older in Oxford. I became a confident, able to make my own decisions, happier woman. I turned 21. I became independent. And I started to think about my future. I realized I have 3 more semesters of college. And I also realized, I have no idea what the heck I am doing with my life. Which, apparently, is what everyone else is feeling at this stage in life as well.

Ok, while that may be cliche, it is very true. I realized that I can’t go back to my life as a kid where getting up at 7 in the morning on Christmas to open presents and getting toys is the best thing. And playing doll house and American Girls with my sister was my life. Now, I asked for a panini maker and things I need for Christmas.

But, how am I going to take this transition time until I graduate and have to start the next phase in life? Looking at it, it just seems so big.

Then I look back on my time in Oxford. People ask me if I miss it, and yes, I suppose I do. However, not exactly the way I thought I would. Remember how I said Oxford was my Narnia? Coming back from England, it was difficult to say goodbye from my friends (from 4 a.m. onward on the 14th…one of the hardest nights of my life), and the world there. I keep talking about “Well, in England they….” And Ok, sure, maybe I’m romanticizing it a bit, but it really is a neat country.

Anyway, I don’t miss England as much as I thought I would. I thought I would be pining away, wishing to go back. But I’m not. In fact, I am actually quite content. As Aslan said at the end of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Lucy is sad about leaving Narnia:

“But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

England was the help I needed to begin this transition time. Without it, I don’t think I would have been able to think through what I have been going through emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I wouldn’t have realized I needed to be confident in my abilities at school and life. I can do things (I especially applied this to when I finally took my drivers test…and I passed). I can cook, I can live on my own (well, mostly….), I can travel on my own, and I can accomplish what I put my mind to do. Without England I would not have grown in my writing the way I did.

England was to me what Narnia was to the Pevensies. A training ground for life. It even has that special magic for me because of growing up with English literature and wishing to go there for so long. Maybe I’ll go back, I hope I do, but I have no idea when that will be. Although, it will probably happen when I am not looking for it as Professor Kirke tells the children. But for now, I am going to take what I learned there and apply it to this life of transition I am now in. I know I have a lot ahead of me, but I also know, I can do it with God’s help and my family and friend’s help.

I hope you all have a Merry (or Happy?) Christmas. Christ is Born!

-Winnie the Pooh

Well, it’s almost over. The essays are turned in. The job is done. And we have all become a close knit family. The memories are always with us, even if we must say goodbye. For “the ones who love us, never truly leave us.” – Sirius Black.

These experiences, the people, the adventures, the late night essay writing, the many plays and trips to London, Harry Potter and Doctor Who, countless cups of coffee and too much pasta, the laughs, the jokes/puns, the broken down bikes going up Headington Hill, Jordan’s squeaky coffee grinder, Marc’s late night Philosophy talks, McKenzie’s outgoing and awesome personality, all the lovely bake goods, Karl’s back massages, Pudding Biscuit Buddy food group, dance parties in the kitchen, and all of our fun quirks and talents. All of these memories will live forever in my mind.

I’ve changed so much during this experience. I’ve become more confident in my abilities to do things. My self-esteem has gone up, and I actually believe I can do things. I’m a much more positive person, and I realized that I love life. And most of all, I know I am loved because everyone here tells me that every single day, even with just their actions. I’ve become a better person. The work was hard and challenging, but I rose to the challenge and conquered it and had fun while doing that.

I want to thank each and every one of you who have made this trip possible and the most amazing opportunity of life (so far!). Without your love and support, whether financially or prayers, I would never have gotten here. I’ve had ‘the time of my life’ as the song goes. And I am so grateful and beyond blessed. I still can’t believe this is real sometimes.

And to all my friends here. Ya’ll are the most amazing bunch. I’ve never felt so included in a group of people by absolutely everyone. No one left anyone out. There weren’t weird cliques. And everyone genuinely cared how each of us were doing, especially when we had essays and were up all hours of the night frantically trying to write. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve never been closer with a group of friends.

Now for some shout-outs (idea from Chelsea!):

To Jordan, Marc, and Isaiah: Hiking through Scotland with you was an absolute adventure. Between trying to find places to sleep for the night, hiking 21 miles in one day, and all of the song singing and sheep, it was truly an amazing experience, and I’m glad to have shared it with you guys. Isaiah, you singing has always brightened the house, and I will miss your songs.

To the Pudding Biscuit Buddies food group: Yeah, sometimes finding time to cook and people’s schedules were hard to work around, but hey, it was so much fun when we did get to eat together. Some of the best conversations I had this term were in our food group and I am so glad to have gotten to know each of you. Also, Friday/Saturday night movie nights were bae. I had never seen Little Women before and now it’s one of my favourites. Grace and Ruth, I will always remember that you have to add either spicy and/or pepper to everything. Also, that Ruth will finish any food that we can’t eat. Katelyn, you always brighten any conversation, and I freaking love your hair color. Julia, you’ve been a great friend, and I love how we had so many conversations and watched Once Upon a Time together. Melody, you are an amazing beautiful human being. I loved watching Cranford with you, and I love that we both have an obsession with Pride and Prejudice.

To Elissa: Watching Doctor Who in England and going to the festival are memories I will cherish forever. It was so much fun sharing that with you. I’m glad I found someone who loves Doctor Who as much as I. Also, fish fingers and custard are amazing. We saw Peter Capaldi in person!!

To Michael: Please don’t fall off anymore roofs. I am so thankful you are ok. I’ve loved getting to know you, and I totally ship you and Elissa!

To Chelsea: I loved hanging out with you, going shopping around Oxford, watching movies, and colouring with you. It’s been so much fun. It was also fun getting to know Jakob some, and I totally ship you guys, too.

To Anna, Kyriana, and Hannah: You guys are all amazing. I loved hanging out with you at Cafe Nero and watching movies. Also, I love that you will always let me hug you when I need one.

To Ellen, Courtney, and Karli: You are so beautiful, and I know any time I needed a hug or just some unspoken support, you were there. Ellen, I will always remember laughing with you and Tyler late at night during British Landscapes. Karli and Courtney, I will always remember meeting you the first day and walking around Oxford with you.

To Tyler: One thing: Keep conducting. You are so good at it. I can’t wait until you are conducting a famous orchestra, and you can get me in to see it.

To Karl: Thanks for the back massages and the ice cream. You are such a selfless person, and so nice to everyone. I will always remember the first day when you just let me talk your ear off explaining my writing and my novels.

To Tony, Mike, and Bernardo: I loved walking into a room and seeing the intense game of monopoly going on. And Bernardo, your Obama impression is great. Mike: you are really good at joking. Tony, no one ever suspects the quiet ones in Murder. Thanks for ‘killing’ me.

To Eric: The way you can joke and suck us all in so that we believe it, is so much fun. And hey, you won’t have to listen to Beyonce anymore.

To Corbin: It seemed like most mornings we were in the kitchen making breakfast at the same time, which led to some great conversations. I love that you were one of the first people I met, and you and Courtney are the best.

To Thani: Thanks for taking the initiative and getting us show tickets to Measure for Measure at the Globe and Henry V. Also, I will miss your laugh.

To Ali: You are such a cool person. I have loved our random conversations. I hope you get to explore the world as much as you want.

To Allie: You are such a nice person. I can always count on you for a hug. Thanks for making me coffee the first morning I was here. I really needed it. Also, you are a great baker.

To Andrea: Going to the British Museum is one of my favourite memories. I loved geeking out about Egypt and the Rosetta Stone. Also, your personality is great.

To Rebecca: Thank you for letting me in the gate when I first arrived. Without you, I would have cried out there longer. Thanks for being there for me when I needed it, and looking out for me so I would not eat soy.

To Jessica: While we may not be a lesbian couple, I love you so much. Thanks for going with me when I got my tattoo, letting me cry and laugh, and cuddle with you, and thanks for being so supportive and listening to my story.

To Shalom and Tara: Your strong opinions have given so much to this house. I’ve loved the talks and the debates, and the ability to look at differing views.

To McKenzie and Kirsten: You guys always add to conversations by making them so much better. I’ve loved hanging out with you and your relationship with each other is great. The laughs you have given us have been some of the best experiences. Also, jumping in the Thames was one of the best memories.

To Rachel: Yeah, I totally made you into a Doctor Who and Harry Potter fan. And I don’t regret it, you Slytherin. I loved hanging out with you, going to London, going to the Harry Potter studio tour, and looking at hilarious memes. You brighten my day.

To Matt: I love how you dressed up as the 11th Doctor for Halloween without seeing the show. And I’m glad I got to introduce you to it. You’ve been great to hang out with.

To Ceciley: You have an amazing voice. Never stop singing. Your personality and smile always bring so much to the conversation.

To Bailey and Megan: Your relationship with each other is practically like sisters. I love just listening to the two of you talk and laugh.

To Holly and Kayla: Even though I didn’t get to talk to you much, I loved our conversations. Kayla, I love that you love Doctor Who as much as me.

To Haven and Lauren: I wish that we had gotten to talk more, but the time we had was great. Both of you are wonderful.

And to everyone else at North Wing, even though I didn’t get to chance to talk to everyone and get to know you, I know you are all lovely people, and I’m glad to have met you.

I really hope I didn’t leave anyone out, I’m a bit tired. But the bottom line is: Never stop being amazing. Ya’ll are so talented. I’ve no doubt we will all go far. It’s been an amazing journey.

 

“If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.” ~ ‪C.S. Lewis‬

Yesterday, instead of reading Artemis Fowl like I was supposed to for my seminar essay, I decided to go up into the top of Saint Mary’s. It was a beautiful day, sunny, and high 50’s F. And I am so glad I did. The views all around Oxford from the top of that tall church were breathtaking. This one is of the Radcliffe Camera, my favourite place to study (and the place where all my books end up when I have to look up things). It is my favourite building in Oxford. And the first beautiful building I saw here when I first arrived. Up there I realized, I am going to miss this place so much. It has become home. I’m going to miss the architecture, the nice people, biking everywhere (except for the hills..so yeah, maybe not so much the biking), the weekend trips to London, the ability to see awesome things I would not get to otherwise because England is the home of the fandoms (quite literally actually…), and most of all, the people I have gotten to know here. I have never in my life found a group of people so nice. I’ve never been included in a group of people like this group. Seriously, all of us are so amazed by how great our group is. We are all so talented (yesterday I also got to see our own Tyler Schreiber conduct an orchestra…very well!), and we all work so hard and yet have so much fun together.

Yesterday, I also played Quidditch for the last time in Oxford, but hopefully not the last time in my life. I plan on getting some equipment to play at Asbury even if I am not allowed to create an actual Quidditch team. It is actually a very cheap sport in terms of equipment, PVC pipes and volleyballs and dodgeballs!

And today, I ended my last tutorial. I have one more essay left, the large seminar essay. It is so bittersweet. And I realized something about myself. I absolutely love to write essays…I feel like there is something wrong…

I have talked about it before, but in my mind, England is my Narnia. As much as I don’t have to leave, I have to. I have learned so much here, and now I need to go back and put it into use. I won’t grow as much if I don’t go back and learn more at home. Every good thing has to end, as does every bad thing. If the great time I have here went on forever, it wouldn’t be fun after awhile. It would become mundane. It is the fact that it is a once in a lifetime experience and the fact that I have gotten to do so many things and meet so many amazing people; that is what makes it worth the sadness of leaving. Because the memories may seem like waking up from a dream, but they will always be there. Perhaps I will come back someday, I hope I will, but it will probably happen when I am not looking for it.

 

Last Sunday I got to go to the Warner Bros. Harry Potter studio tour. It was so amazing getting to see how they made the movies and what they did for the sets, costumes, special effects, etc. So much work went into those movies, it is just amazing. For the film major in me, I loved seeing how they made the movies and I loved that this tour is actually on the sound stages where they built the sets and filmed. It was also pretty awesome because we got to see the real engine that they converted into the Hogwarts express. We got to walk across a bridge in Hogwarts, and step into the Knight Bus. And see the model that they used for all the outward castle shots. That was absolutely amazing. I can’t even describe it. The model was huge and so detailed and beautiful. The other cool thing was that it was Christmas at Hogwarts so everything had snow and Christmas trees decorating it. Another one of my goals is to work in Leavesden studios filming movies. Hey, it’s lofty, but that doesn’t mean it’s not achievable. The tour was absolutely so much fun. I also finally got a Hufflepuff robe! And I got to check another epic thing off of my bucket list.

Being that today is Thanksgiving (and I kind of forgot…), I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. First of which, that I am alive. I am so thankful that I was able to get help for my depression and that I did not do any harm to myself. I am so thankful for my friends who helped me and stood by me for the past two years when they could have turned away. I am so thankful for my boyfriend for helping me and standing by me and loving me even when I was so depressed and annoying. I am thankful for my family who loves me and takes care of me and who have been so supportive these last few months. I am thankful for my sister, who is my best friend, and all the laughter and inside jokes we have. I am thankful for this wonderful opportunity to be in England and studying at Oxford and for all the wonderful things I have gotten to do and ‘check off my bucket list.’ And I’m thankful for all the friends I’ve made here who are absolutely amazing. I’m thankful for so much I can’t even list them all. But most important, I am thankful for a God who loves me so much and who stands by me even when I pushed him away and takes care of me, and who reminded me that He was there when I was depressed and suicidal. I am so thankful to be alive and loved. And I thank God for these things every day.

Here is a poem I wrote about Thankfulness a few years back in High school:

Thankfulness

 

I am thankful for the drop of rain,

That dances on the pavement and wets my cheek.

I am thankful for the song of the bird,

As it echoes through the trees and fills my heart with joy.

I am thankful for the croak of the frog,

The neigh of a horse, the bark of a dog,

The connection I have with the animals, the love we share,.

I am thankful for the sun

When it warms me in the morning and creates beautiful sunsets

Filled with purple and pink and gold.

I am thankful for cloudy days,

When the world is bathed in a new light,

And everything seems black and white.

I am thankful for the food that is grown,

The vegetables and fruits, meats and cheeses, and grains

The food that I am blessed to eat,

And to give to others less fortunate than I.

I am thankful for the house I live in,

And the things that I have.

I am thankful for my family,

Who cares for me and loves me very much.

I am thankful for the ability to write,

To read, to create, to think, to dream, to do, to watch,

To listen, to talk, to sing, to be myself.

I am thankful for the life I live,

For the friends I have, for the people who love me,

For even the little things in life,

But most of all,

I am thankful for the God who created me and gave me life,

The God who I know,

Loves me more than I could ever dream

The God who created all the little things in life.

I Am Thankful

 

So, I made a very big decision today.

I got a tattoo.

Now before you freak out, let me explain. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a year. Last fall, when I got very depressed, I realized, I had no idea I was loved. I didn’t really have a concept of the depth of God’s love or my family and friend’s love. I just went day to day knowing on the outside that people loved me, but deep down, not really believing or realizing what love actually meant. I would say or hear, ‘I love you’ but I would never understand the actual connotations.

Until last fall, when watching a video during a prayer group at my school, the speaker said that God loves us. And he proceeded to talk about the depth of His love. That hit me like a brick wall. I never thought about it like that. It was like on the outside I knew it because I’d grown up with that idea, but I had never actually felt it or thought about it on the deeper level. And suddenly I realized that I’d been listening to the lie that I wasn’t loved. I listened to the lie that I wasn’t wanted. And that’s when I started writing on my arm: ‘I am Loved.’

Recently, I realized that this was an alternative to cutting, which I have only thought on a few occasions. Normally, I go to the pen when I want to remember something. Whenever I started to think of the lies I was not loved, I was not smart, I was not wanted, I was not important, I was stupid, I didn’t belong here, I don’t deserve this, why do people stay with me, I am not a writer, I can’t do this, I hate life, I don’t trust people, etc. I would counter them by writing the positive on my arms. ‘I am loved, I am smart, I am wanted, I am important, I am not stupid, I do belong here, I do deserve this, people stay because they love me, I am a writer, I can do this, Life is good, I can trust people, etc.

After I started writing, ‘I am Loved’ over and over on my wrist with sharpie, I realized that I needed that reminder forever. I needed to be able to see it without writing it all the time. I needed to always know I was loved, to remember, to be reminded over and over. And writing on myself was a way for me to be reminded of things.

So I decided to get a tattoo of ‘I am Loved’ on my wrist. I did not feel the absolute need to get it until a few weeks ago. I always knew I wanted to get it, but it was always in the future. At least until  I started to write on myself again a few weeks ago and realized that I needed to get it. I knew now was the time to get it. I am healing from the past few years. I am healing from the lies. I am healing from the depression. I am healing from the internal scars. And I know I am loved. Although, that doesn’t mean I still don’t need a reminder, which is why the tattoo is also important. It is a reminder of the past, and the present, and the future. It is a reminder of who I am on the inside. It is a reminder of everything in my life.

The other reason this tattoo is important is that it is on my wrist.  ‘I am Loved’ on my wrist is significant because of the placement. The wrist is where the nails went in when Jesus was crucified. So it is a double meaning for love.

So yes, I got a tattoo. I realize some people believe they are tacky and regrettable. But I don’t. The thing with mine is, even when I am old and with wrinkles, I will still read it with a smile and remember.

 

 

So this weekend was a dream. I got to go to the Doctor Who Festival and play Quidditch in the Southern Cup.

Elissa and I had to get up at 5:30 to get to the Doctor Who festival on time. But as soon as we got there, it was so worth it. First off, we got to listen to Mark Gatiss and Kate, the person who works with creating the monsters!! Mark is hilarious. And it was soooo cool getting to hear about the creatures and to look at some of them!!

After that, we watched a talk on the special effects!!! That was so cool! Then we looked at costumes and the set of Davros’s sick room from the first 2 episodes of Series 9. After that, we went to a talk on how many people it takes to work on a TV show. It was done by the assistant directors of Doctor Who. Which made me SO happy because that is my dream job. I got to talk to the 3rd assistant director, which was awesome. She gave me some great advice. 🙂

After that we got to listen to the writers of Doctor Who, Moffat, and two other writers! It was so awesome. 🙂 And then, the cast. Peter Capaldi (The Doctor), Jenna Louise Coleman (Clara), Ingrid (Osgood), Michelle Gomez (The Master), and Moffat. It was mostly question and answer. It was so amazing. And also, Capaldi is my favourite!! He is so cool!! So is Jenna, she is so so nice!! 😀 And Michelle is HILARIOUS!!

Then we went to a workshop with the director of Doctor Who and Sherlock: Douglas Adams. He talked about what it was like to direct. To demonstrate, he decided to do a scene from the Doctor Who episode “Listen.” I got picked to play Clara. It was so freaking awesome. I got to act with using some of the script, and as Clara, under the director of Doctor Who. AND…the sound guys told me I was good. AND…when I got the director’s signature, he told me that I was a good actor. I got told by the director of Doctor Who that I WAS A GOOD ACTOR. I am in heaven. I can’t believe it. Seriously, amazing. :D:D:D:D

We went shopping after that. I got a Doctor Who bag, and tote bag, and I’m pretty sure Elissa and I are the only ones that buy Sherlock mugs from a Doctor Who festival. Then I got some presents. 😉

After that, we got our picture taken on the set of Clara’s “house” when she is asleep as a Zygon. (it happens in her head but looks like her house). It was so neat! Then we looked at prosthetics and I talked to Kate (monster creator) who was soooo cool and freaking nice!! 😀 And one of the other monster creators! He talked to me a bit about how the monsters were made.

That was the end of our day. And it was entirely amazing. Basically, I love movies and this confirmed the fact that I need to work on a film set. Preferably Doctor Who. Which, honestly, the people I talked to there, did not think that was all that far fetched!!! :D:D:D

Sunday, I also had to get up super early to get to the Quidditch pitch. We played our game, and lost. BUT we played a Varsity team, which means, we ended up being Oxford Blue (Varsity), which was sooo cool! 😀 The Oxford Radcliffe Chimeras (the other team, we are the Quidlings), ended up winning the Southern Cup. Which was so freaking awesome! I made a few friends and it was soooo cool to see Quidditch played by really great teams!! :D:D:D Also, fun fact, Oxford was the first Uni with a Quidditch team!

In case you couldn’t tell by my bad grammar and excitedness, this was an amazing weekend. I’m exhausted, but so freaking happy. I can’t believe my life right now. 😀

Ok, so we are more than halfway through the term, but still, we are living on a prayer. I am almost done with a super hell week. I’ve had 2 tutorials and a seminar essay proposal. Which means, I wrote a 15 page fiction piece, a 8 page essay, and will be filling out semi-complicated questions about what I am going to write my large essay on.

Oh, and also lots of blood. My essay was on Dracula, and my fiction piece was excerpts taken from a novel ‘Dark Night of Blood.’ Basically, lots of blood.

And sweat (biking)…and tears (stress)…and exhaustion (not enough hours in the day, too many late nights)….

And happiness in the form of an excursion to London last Saturday with Elissa. We went around to all the famous landmarks, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Trafalgar Square, etc. We also saw Westminster Abbey, the Tower of London, Big Ben, and Tower Bridge, at dusk and night, which was absolutely stunning and beautiful. I love London at night. It is so pretty! We went to King’s Cross  Station and got pictures taken at Platform 9 3/4. We went to the Sherlock Holmes Museum as well. And we got to know the Underground system, specifically, the circle line, like pros because we kept riding back and forth on it. All in all, a fun day.

Tuesday Anna and I went to the Kilns, C.S. Lewis’s house. It was so cool to see, and we had a fun study break! The property around it is absolutely gorgeous. And the ponds on the land are what inspired the Wood Between the Worlds in Magician’s Nephew.

Not to mention, I have a GREAT weekend to look forward to. Saturday is the long anticipated, can’t believe it’s happening, Doctor Who Convention. I get to see the actors and the creators of Doctor Who and do all sorts of amazing things that in America would cost $300+ dollars. (The price of the ticket for this event, which includes EVERYTHING but any extra photos you might want was only $100). And Sunday I get to play in a Quidditch Cup. Yay!

So, I’m hanging in there. Tired but happy. Basically I’m feeling Ron’s line from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: “So basically, you’re going to suffer, but you’re going to be happy about it.” Yep, sums up my life right now. Also, Piano Guys cover of “Fight Song” is my new motto. Look up the music video, it’s amazing.

I can’t make this a super long post because I’m still very busy, but I will try to write after the weekend.

I have had quite an exciting week so I will recap for you.

To start off with, I had the most amazing birthday!!! I spent the day going to 2 good lectures, reading Oliver Twist in Blackwells and Cafe Nero and buying books. I bought a copy of Northanger Abbey. Then I went to the Eagle and Child and hung out with friends. Afterwards, Julia, Karl, and I watched The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. We realized that come December, that movie is ten years old. It came out when I was 11. After that I got to Skype with my family and Nick. It was truly an amazing day. My friends are so wonderful, and the only thing I bought all day was coffee. Karl and Jessica would not let me pay for lunch or dinner. 🙂 I have some of the best friends.

Halloween was wonderful as well. I dressed up as Lucy Pevensie. I even used a red body wash bottle for the cordial. Yeah, I’m a creative college student. Hehe. The Halloween party was the best I have ever been to!

I woke up sick on Sunday, but I’m pretty proud of myself because I still ended up finishing my seminar proposal and Oliver Twist.

Monday night was a very interesting night, however. I think I am so tired that my brain is doing really weird things. Basically, I had the insane urge to kill a character. There, now I’m probably on the government watch list, probably in two countries. I watched the Peter Pan with Jason Issacs (ok, so watch that if you hadn’t. It’s one of the best renditions of Peter Pan out there, and the music is phenomenal!). And I’m not sure it was directly affected to the movie or not, but I had the insane urge to write, and to write something really really sad. I knew I could not go to bed without writing. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. In fact, it was very hard working on my essay because all I wanted to do write fiction. It was so freeing and wonderful to write. I worked on my fantasy series, which I have not done anything with for awhile. Again, it reminded me why I love to write and why I am doing what I am doing. And I got really happy about killing a character and breaking people’s hearts. Perhaps I have watched too much stories written by Moffat….*cough* Doctor Who *cough*. Yeah, now I am definitely on a watch list. Writer problems. Hehe. My brain. 

And then there was Tuesday. I wrote all of my essay in 2 and 1/2 hours (record!) except for the conclusion. This was good because Jessica and I were going into London to go see Les Miserable at the Queens Theater in the West End. To get to the theater we had to go through China Town, which was so cool! I have never been to a China Town before. They had red lanterns hanging over the street. Oh, and Oxford Street in London had great big balls of silver and gold spanning across the street. It was quite impressive. London is starting to decorate for Christmas, and I can’t wait! 

Anyway, we get out of China Town and the Queens theater is right there. It was so cool!! The inside of the theater was beautiful and it was much smaller than many of the theaters in America. We had seats in the upper circle right in the front (PERFECT seats!) and the really neat bit? We could see almost single facial expression because we were still that close!! That in and of itself was so amazing.

And the production…let’s just say, it was even a little better than the West End touring production I saw several years ago. Why? Because the stage was the way Les Mis is supposed to be performed: there was a giant circle in the middle that turned during much of the production. That added a whole new element to the show, that was the coolest thing ever. The barricade was amazing. And the acting was amazing (except for Cosette, she wasn’t very good). But Marius was the best Marius I have ever seen. And Peter Lockyer as Valjean is my favourite next to Alfie Boe. And Javert…when he sang his suicide soliloquy, I literally sat there with my mouth hanging open. It was the best I have ever heard. I teared up during One Day More, the barricade (especially because Enjolras fell off behind it and then they turned it around and he’s hanging there with the red flag just like in the movie), and Empty Chairs at Empty Tables. But the ending, the ending is what got me. As soon as my favourite line: ‘To Love another Person is to Love the Face of God’ was said, I lost it. I started sobbing so hard I was shaking. And when everyone started singing ‘Do you hear the people sing?’ I realized I could not stop crying because I was so insanely happy. It was a beautiful production.

Yesterday evening, Patriarch Bartholomew I visited Oxford to speak at the Student Union. He came to our church here. I ended up standing right near him in the church during the Doxology we did (even though dad’s not around, I apparently can’t get away from standing near clergy, hehe). I got his blessing and he gave everyone an icon of the Mother of God. During the small reception I got another blessing from him and he gave me a cross (he was giving them out to the kids and young adults). I also got Metropolitan Kaliestos’s blessing. And I got to go to the Student Union for free to listen to the Patriarch. It was truly wonderful.

This week I wrote an essay on the names in Dickens’s Oliver Twist. It was really fun, and weirdly easy. And my tutor said it was my best one yet!

I think I’ve caught you up on everything! God willing on Saturday a few of my friends are planning on going into London to go to the British Museum and I also want to go to 221B and King’s Cross. Stay tuned for that story…

If you had asked me several months ago if I liked my 20th year, I would have looked at you and said: “Heck no. This is the most horrible year of my life.”

And for the first part of the year, perhaps that is true. I was depressed and had very bad anxiety. I was unable to see the good in life. However, I view it differently now.

That’s not to say that I did not have some great experiences. I got to spend some lovely time with my boyfriend and his family. I got to be in three shows during my spring semester of Sophomore year, one of them Henry V!  I got to take some pretty awesome classes. I got to go to Florida with some of my best friends and go to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios (one thing off my bucket list!).

However, after Spring Break was when things really started to go downhill. I had a huge panic attack on the beach on the last day in Florida. I should not have had a panic attack. There was no explanation. It just happened. That was when I realized there was something more going on than just depression and stress anxiety. I was struggling in school because of the depression that threatened to make me feel suicidal if I wasn’t active with talking with my friends and my coping mechanisms. My self esteem plummeted and I listened to the lies that the enemy told me of myself. I was not confident at all. I felt like I was worthless, unloved, and a failure.

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar, it scared me. How was my personality going to change? I did not want to lose my ability to get excited about writing and write like the wind. I did not want to lose the good aspects of my personality. I just wanted to get rid of the constant depression and lies.

The medication did change me. But it changed me in a great way. It did not get rid of my passion for writing or my favorite things. It did get rid of the constant dark I lived in. I was finally able to see the light.

And suddenly my whole outlook on life changed. Looking back now, I am able to see the positive instead of the negative of the past year. I am able to feel happy about my life instead of wanting to end it. I am able to see all the wonderful things God has put in my life in the past few years, and especially this year, with all the opportunities I have gotten to do that I never thought possible.

But the best thing that happened this year is obviously me getting to go to Oxford and explore England. I wasn’t confident about getting in, and when I did, it actually helped to dispel many of the lies I believed. I was able to use the fact that I got into Oxford to try to convince myself that I was smart and not a failure because if I was, I would not have gotten into Oxford (which, I understand is bad logic and untrue, but that was how I had to view it to get rid of the negative thoughts). I’ve already talked about this previously, so I won’t get into much detail. But I am just so blessed and happy to be here. And I will always remember the fact that I am able to be here on my 21st birthday and have so many wonderful experiences with some of the best people I have ever met. I can’t even begin to describe it.

Even with the hard things I have had to deal with this year, being able to look at the positive and dwell on the fact that I have a great life, great experiences, great friends, a great boyfriend, and a great family has made me the happiest person. God has been with me every step of the way, even when it is hard for me to realize this. And I am so grateful that he has helped me through this year and shown me what a great life I have.

I am so excited for my 21st year and what God has in store for me this year. Because I will never believe that I will not have some great opportunities in life and get to do some really great things, and live my dreams.