Every time I get back from school, it is the strangest thing for me because it is like suddenly stepping back into my previous life. This time, however, has been even stranger because I had to step back into another country. Last night at the Christmas service, I suddenly realized why this transition is so hard. I grew older in Oxford. I became a confident, able to make my own decisions, happier woman. I turned 21. I became independent. And I started to think about my future. I realized I have 3 more semesters of college. And I also realized, I have no idea what the heck I am doing with my life. Which, apparently, is what everyone else is feeling at this stage in life as well.

Ok, while that may be cliche, it is very true. I realized that I can’t go back to my life as a kid where getting up at 7 in the morning on Christmas to open presents and getting toys is the best thing. And playing doll house and American Girls with my sister was my life. Now, I asked for a panini maker and things I need for Christmas.

But, how am I going to take this transition time until I graduate and have to start the next phase in life? Looking at it, it just seems so big.

Then I look back on my time in Oxford. People ask me if I miss it, and yes, I suppose I do. However, not exactly the way I thought I would. Remember how I said Oxford was my Narnia? Coming back from England, it was difficult to say goodbye from my friends (from 4 a.m. onward on the 14th…one of the hardest nights of my life), and the world there. I keep talking about “Well, in England they….” And Ok, sure, maybe I’m romanticizing it a bit, but it really is a neat country.

Anyway, I don’t miss England as much as I thought I would. I thought I would be pining away, wishing to go back. But I’m not. In fact, I am actually quite content. As Aslan said at the end of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Lucy is sad about leaving Narnia:

“But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

England was the help I needed to begin this transition time. Without it, I don’t think I would have been able to think through what I have been going through emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I wouldn’t have realized I needed to be confident in my abilities at school and life. I can do things (I especially applied this to when I finally took my drivers test…and I passed). I can cook, I can live on my own (well, mostly….), I can travel on my own, and I can accomplish what I put my mind to do. Without England I would not have grown in my writing the way I did.

England was to me what Narnia was to the Pevensies. A training ground for life. It even has that special magic for me because of growing up with English literature and wishing to go there for so long. Maybe I’ll go back, I hope I do, but I have no idea when that will be. Although, it will probably happen when I am not looking for it as Professor Kirke tells the children. But for now, I am going to take what I learned there and apply it to this life of transition I am now in. I know I have a lot ahead of me, but I also know, I can do it with God’s help and my family and friend’s help.

I hope you all have a Merry (or Happy?) Christmas. Christ is Born!