Every time I get back from school, it is the strangest thing for me because it is like suddenly stepping back into my previous life. This time, however, has been even stranger because I had to step back into another country. Last night at the Christmas service, I suddenly realized why this transition is so hard. I grew older in Oxford. I became a confident, able to make my own decisions, happier woman. I turned 21. I became independent. And I started to think about my future. I realized I have 3 more semesters of college. And I also realized, I have no idea what the heck I am doing with my life. Which, apparently, is what everyone else is feeling at this stage in life as well.

Ok, while that may be cliche, it is very true. I realized that I can’t go back to my life as a kid where getting up at 7 in the morning on Christmas to open presents and getting toys is the best thing. And playing doll house and American Girls with my sister was my life. Now, I asked for a panini maker and things I need for Christmas.

But, how am I going to take this transition time until I graduate and have to start the next phase in life? Looking at it, it just seems so big.

Then I look back on my time in Oxford. People ask me if I miss it, and yes, I suppose I do. However, not exactly the way I thought I would. Remember how I said Oxford was my Narnia? Coming back from England, it was difficult to say goodbye from my friends (from 4 a.m. onward on the 14th…one of the hardest nights of my life), and the world there. I keep talking about “Well, in England they….” And Ok, sure, maybe I’m romanticizing it a bit, but it really is a neat country.

Anyway, I don’t miss England as much as I thought I would. I thought I would be pining away, wishing to go back. But I’m not. In fact, I am actually quite content. As Aslan said at the end of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Lucy is sad about leaving Narnia:

“But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

England was the help I needed to begin this transition time. Without it, I don’t think I would have been able to think through what I have been going through emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I wouldn’t have realized I needed to be confident in my abilities at school and life. I can do things (I especially applied this to when I finally took my drivers test…and I passed). I can cook, I can live on my own (well, mostly….), I can travel on my own, and I can accomplish what I put my mind to do. Without England I would not have grown in my writing the way I did.

England was to me what Narnia was to the Pevensies. A training ground for life. It even has that special magic for me because of growing up with English literature and wishing to go there for so long. Maybe I’ll go back, I hope I do, but I have no idea when that will be. Although, it will probably happen when I am not looking for it as Professor Kirke tells the children. But for now, I am going to take what I learned there and apply it to this life of transition I am now in. I know I have a lot ahead of me, but I also know, I can do it with God’s help and my family and friend’s help.

I hope you all have a Merry (or Happy?) Christmas. Christ is Born!

-Winnie the Pooh

Well, it’s almost over. The essays are turned in. The job is done. And we have all become a close knit family. The memories are always with us, even if we must say goodbye. For “the ones who love us, never truly leave us.” – Sirius Black.

These experiences, the people, the adventures, the late night essay writing, the many plays and trips to London, Harry Potter and Doctor Who, countless cups of coffee and too much pasta, the laughs, the jokes/puns, the broken down bikes going up Headington Hill, Jordan’s squeaky coffee grinder, Marc’s late night Philosophy talks, McKenzie’s outgoing and awesome personality, all the lovely bake goods, Karl’s back massages, Pudding Biscuit Buddy food group, dance parties in the kitchen, and all of our fun quirks and talents. All of these memories will live forever in my mind.

I’ve changed so much during this experience. I’ve become more confident in my abilities to do things. My self-esteem has gone up, and I actually believe I can do things. I’m a much more positive person, and I realized that I love life. And most of all, I know I am loved because everyone here tells me that every single day, even with just their actions. I’ve become a better person. The work was hard and challenging, but I rose to the challenge and conquered it and had fun while doing that.

I want to thank each and every one of you who have made this trip possible and the most amazing opportunity of life (so far!). Without your love and support, whether financially or prayers, I would never have gotten here. I’ve had ‘the time of my life’ as the song goes. And I am so grateful and beyond blessed. I still can’t believe this is real sometimes.

And to all my friends here. Ya’ll are the most amazing bunch. I’ve never felt so included in a group of people by absolutely everyone. No one left anyone out. There weren’t weird cliques. And everyone genuinely cared how each of us were doing, especially when we had essays and were up all hours of the night frantically trying to write. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve never been closer with a group of friends.

Now for some shout-outs (idea from Chelsea!):

To Jordan, Marc, and Isaiah: Hiking through Scotland with you was an absolute adventure. Between trying to find places to sleep for the night, hiking 21 miles in one day, and all of the song singing and sheep, it was truly an amazing experience, and I’m glad to have shared it with you guys. Isaiah, you singing has always brightened the house, and I will miss your songs.

To the Pudding Biscuit Buddies food group: Yeah, sometimes finding time to cook and people’s schedules were hard to work around, but hey, it was so much fun when we did get to eat together. Some of the best conversations I had this term were in our food group and I am so glad to have gotten to know each of you. Also, Friday/Saturday night movie nights were bae. I had never seen Little Women before and now it’s one of my favourites. Grace and Ruth, I will always remember that you have to add either spicy and/or pepper to everything. Also, that Ruth will finish any food that we can’t eat. Katelyn, you always brighten any conversation, and I freaking love your hair color. Julia, you’ve been a great friend, and I love how we had so many conversations and watched Once Upon a Time together. Melody, you are an amazing beautiful human being. I loved watching Cranford with you, and I love that we both have an obsession with Pride and Prejudice.

To Elissa: Watching Doctor Who in England and going to the festival are memories I will cherish forever. It was so much fun sharing that with you. I’m glad I found someone who loves Doctor Who as much as I. Also, fish fingers and custard are amazing. We saw Peter Capaldi in person!!

To Michael: Please don’t fall off anymore roofs. I am so thankful you are ok. I’ve loved getting to know you, and I totally ship you and Elissa!

To Chelsea: I loved hanging out with you, going shopping around Oxford, watching movies, and colouring with you. It’s been so much fun. It was also fun getting to know Jakob some, and I totally ship you guys, too.

To Anna, Kyriana, and Hannah: You guys are all amazing. I loved hanging out with you at Cafe Nero and watching movies. Also, I love that you will always let me hug you when I need one.

To Ellen, Courtney, and Karli: You are so beautiful, and I know any time I needed a hug or just some unspoken support, you were there. Ellen, I will always remember laughing with you and Tyler late at night during British Landscapes. Karli and Courtney, I will always remember meeting you the first day and walking around Oxford with you.

To Tyler: One thing: Keep conducting. You are so good at it. I can’t wait until you are conducting a famous orchestra, and you can get me in to see it.

To Karl: Thanks for the back massages and the ice cream. You are such a selfless person, and so nice to everyone. I will always remember the first day when you just let me talk your ear off explaining my writing and my novels.

To Tony, Mike, and Bernardo: I loved walking into a room and seeing the intense game of monopoly going on. And Bernardo, your Obama impression is great. Mike: you are really good at joking. Tony, no one ever suspects the quiet ones in Murder. Thanks for ‘killing’ me.

To Eric: The way you can joke and suck us all in so that we believe it, is so much fun. And hey, you won’t have to listen to Beyonce anymore.

To Corbin: It seemed like most mornings we were in the kitchen making breakfast at the same time, which led to some great conversations. I love that you were one of the first people I met, and you and Courtney are the best.

To Thani: Thanks for taking the initiative and getting us show tickets to Measure for Measure at the Globe and Henry V. Also, I will miss your laugh.

To Ali: You are such a cool person. I have loved our random conversations. I hope you get to explore the world as much as you want.

To Allie: You are such a nice person. I can always count on you for a hug. Thanks for making me coffee the first morning I was here. I really needed it. Also, you are a great baker.

To Andrea: Going to the British Museum is one of my favourite memories. I loved geeking out about Egypt and the Rosetta Stone. Also, your personality is great.

To Rebecca: Thank you for letting me in the gate when I first arrived. Without you, I would have cried out there longer. Thanks for being there for me when I needed it, and looking out for me so I would not eat soy.

To Jessica: While we may not be a lesbian couple, I love you so much. Thanks for going with me when I got my tattoo, letting me cry and laugh, and cuddle with you, and thanks for being so supportive and listening to my story.

To Shalom and Tara: Your strong opinions have given so much to this house. I’ve loved the talks and the debates, and the ability to look at differing views.

To McKenzie and Kirsten: You guys always add to conversations by making them so much better. I’ve loved hanging out with you and your relationship with each other is great. The laughs you have given us have been some of the best experiences. Also, jumping in the Thames was one of the best memories.

To Rachel: Yeah, I totally made you into a Doctor Who and Harry Potter fan. And I don’t regret it, you Slytherin. I loved hanging out with you, going to London, going to the Harry Potter studio tour, and looking at hilarious memes. You brighten my day.

To Matt: I love how you dressed up as the 11th Doctor for Halloween without seeing the show. And I’m glad I got to introduce you to it. You’ve been great to hang out with.

To Ceciley: You have an amazing voice. Never stop singing. Your personality and smile always bring so much to the conversation.

To Bailey and Megan: Your relationship with each other is practically like sisters. I love just listening to the two of you talk and laugh.

To Holly and Kayla: Even though I didn’t get to talk to you much, I loved our conversations. Kayla, I love that you love Doctor Who as much as me.

To Haven and Lauren: I wish that we had gotten to talk more, but the time we had was great. Both of you are wonderful.

And to everyone else at North Wing, even though I didn’t get to chance to talk to everyone and get to know you, I know you are all lovely people, and I’m glad to have met you.

I really hope I didn’t leave anyone out, I’m a bit tired. But the bottom line is: Never stop being amazing. Ya’ll are so talented. I’ve no doubt we will all go far. It’s been an amazing journey.

 

“If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.” ~ ‪C.S. Lewis‬

Yesterday, instead of reading Artemis Fowl like I was supposed to for my seminar essay, I decided to go up into the top of Saint Mary’s. It was a beautiful day, sunny, and high 50’s F. And I am so glad I did. The views all around Oxford from the top of that tall church were breathtaking. This one is of the Radcliffe Camera, my favourite place to study (and the place where all my books end up when I have to look up things). It is my favourite building in Oxford. And the first beautiful building I saw here when I first arrived. Up there I realized, I am going to miss this place so much. It has become home. I’m going to miss the architecture, the nice people, biking everywhere (except for the hills..so yeah, maybe not so much the biking), the weekend trips to London, the ability to see awesome things I would not get to otherwise because England is the home of the fandoms (quite literally actually…), and most of all, the people I have gotten to know here. I have never in my life found a group of people so nice. I’ve never been included in a group of people like this group. Seriously, all of us are so amazed by how great our group is. We are all so talented (yesterday I also got to see our own Tyler Schreiber conduct an orchestra…very well!), and we all work so hard and yet have so much fun together.

Yesterday, I also played Quidditch for the last time in Oxford, but hopefully not the last time in my life. I plan on getting some equipment to play at Asbury even if I am not allowed to create an actual Quidditch team. It is actually a very cheap sport in terms of equipment, PVC pipes and volleyballs and dodgeballs!

And today, I ended my last tutorial. I have one more essay left, the large seminar essay. It is so bittersweet. And I realized something about myself. I absolutely love to write essays…I feel like there is something wrong…

I have talked about it before, but in my mind, England is my Narnia. As much as I don’t have to leave, I have to. I have learned so much here, and now I need to go back and put it into use. I won’t grow as much if I don’t go back and learn more at home. Every good thing has to end, as does every bad thing. If the great time I have here went on forever, it wouldn’t be fun after awhile. It would become mundane. It is the fact that it is a once in a lifetime experience and the fact that I have gotten to do so many things and meet so many amazing people; that is what makes it worth the sadness of leaving. Because the memories may seem like waking up from a dream, but they will always be there. Perhaps I will come back someday, I hope I will, but it will probably happen when I am not looking for it.