So, I made a very big decision today.

I got a tattoo.

Now before you freak out, let me explain. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a year. Last fall, when I got very depressed, I realized, I had no idea I was loved. I didn’t really have a concept of the depth of God’s love or my family and friend’s love. I just went day to day knowing on the outside that people loved me, but deep down, not really believing or realizing what love actually meant. I would say or hear, ‘I love you’ but I would never understand the actual connotations.

Until last fall, when watching a video during a prayer group at my school, the speaker said that God loves us. And he proceeded to talk about the depth of His love. That hit me like a brick wall. I never thought about it like that. It was like on the outside I knew it because I’d grown up with that idea, but I had never actually felt it or thought about it on the deeper level. And suddenly I realized that I’d been listening to the lie that I wasn’t loved. I listened to the lie that I wasn’t wanted. And that’s when I started writing on my arm: ‘I am Loved.’

Recently, I realized that this was an alternative to cutting, which I have only thought on a few occasions. Normally, I go to the pen when I want to remember something. Whenever I started to think of the lies I was not loved, I was not smart, I was not wanted, I was not important, I was stupid, I didn’t belong here, I don’t deserve this, why do people stay with me, I am not a writer, I can’t do this, I hate life, I don’t trust people, etc. I would counter them by writing the positive on my arms. ‘I am loved, I am smart, I am wanted, I am important, I am not stupid, I do belong here, I do deserve this, people stay because they love me, I am a writer, I can do this, Life is good, I can trust people, etc.

After I started writing, ‘I am Loved’ over and over on my wrist with sharpie, I realized that I needed that reminder forever. I needed to be able to see it without writing it all the time. I needed to always know I was loved, to remember, to be reminded over and over. And writing on myself was a way for me to be reminded of things.

So I decided to get a tattoo of ‘I am Loved’ on my wrist. I did not feel the absolute need to get it until a few weeks ago. I always knew I wanted to get it, but it was always in the future. At least until  I started to write on myself again a few weeks ago and realized that I needed to get it. I knew now was the time to get it. I am healing from the past few years. I am healing from the lies. I am healing from the depression. I am healing from the internal scars. And I know I am loved. Although, that doesn’t mean I still don’t need a reminder, which is why the tattoo is also important. It is a reminder of the past, and the present, and the future. It is a reminder of who I am on the inside. It is a reminder of everything in my life.

The other reason this tattoo is important is that it is on my wrist.  ‘I am Loved’ on my wrist is significant because of the placement. The wrist is where the nails went in when Jesus was crucified. So it is a double meaning for love.

So yes, I got a tattoo. I realize some people believe they are tacky and regrettable. But I don’t. The thing with mine is, even when I am old and with wrinkles, I will still read it with a smile and remember.