Last Sunday I got to go to the Warner Bros. Harry Potter studio tour. It was so amazing getting to see how they made the movies and what they did for the sets, costumes, special effects, etc. So much work went into those movies, it is just amazing. For the film major in me, I loved seeing how they made the movies and I loved that this tour is actually on the sound stages where they built the sets and filmed. It was also pretty awesome because we got to see the real engine that they converted into the Hogwarts express. We got to walk across a bridge in Hogwarts, and step into the Knight Bus. And see the model that they used for all the outward castle shots. That was absolutely amazing. I can’t even describe it. The model was huge and so detailed and beautiful. The other cool thing was that it was Christmas at Hogwarts so everything had snow and Christmas trees decorating it. Another one of my goals is to work in Leavesden studios filming movies. Hey, it’s lofty, but that doesn’t mean it’s not achievable. The tour was absolutely so much fun. I also finally got a Hufflepuff robe! And I got to check another epic thing off of my bucket list.

Being that today is Thanksgiving (and I kind of forgot…), I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. First of which, that I am alive. I am so thankful that I was able to get help for my depression and that I did not do any harm to myself. I am so thankful for my friends who helped me and stood by me for the past two years when they could have turned away. I am so thankful for my boyfriend for helping me and standing by me and loving me even when I was so depressed and annoying. I am thankful for my family who loves me and takes care of me and who have been so supportive these last few months. I am thankful for my sister, who is my best friend, and all the laughter and inside jokes we have. I am thankful for this wonderful opportunity to be in England and studying at Oxford and for all the wonderful things I have gotten to do and ‘check off my bucket list.’ And I’m thankful for all the friends I’ve made here who are absolutely amazing. I’m thankful for so much I can’t even list them all. But most important, I am thankful for a God who loves me so much and who stands by me even when I pushed him away and takes care of me, and who reminded me that He was there when I was depressed and suicidal. I am so thankful to be alive and loved. And I thank God for these things every day.

Here is a poem I wrote about Thankfulness a few years back in High school:

Thankfulness

 

I am thankful for the drop of rain,

That dances on the pavement and wets my cheek.

I am thankful for the song of the bird,

As it echoes through the trees and fills my heart with joy.

I am thankful for the croak of the frog,

The neigh of a horse, the bark of a dog,

The connection I have with the animals, the love we share,.

I am thankful for the sun

When it warms me in the morning and creates beautiful sunsets

Filled with purple and pink and gold.

I am thankful for cloudy days,

When the world is bathed in a new light,

And everything seems black and white.

I am thankful for the food that is grown,

The vegetables and fruits, meats and cheeses, and grains

The food that I am blessed to eat,

And to give to others less fortunate than I.

I am thankful for the house I live in,

And the things that I have.

I am thankful for my family,

Who cares for me and loves me very much.

I am thankful for the ability to write,

To read, to create, to think, to dream, to do, to watch,

To listen, to talk, to sing, to be myself.

I am thankful for the life I live,

For the friends I have, for the people who love me,

For even the little things in life,

But most of all,

I am thankful for the God who created me and gave me life,

The God who I know,

Loves me more than I could ever dream

The God who created all the little things in life.

I Am Thankful

 

So, I made a very big decision today.

I got a tattoo.

Now before you freak out, let me explain. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a year. Last fall, when I got very depressed, I realized, I had no idea I was loved. I didn’t really have a concept of the depth of God’s love or my family and friend’s love. I just went day to day knowing on the outside that people loved me, but deep down, not really believing or realizing what love actually meant. I would say or hear, ‘I love you’ but I would never understand the actual connotations.

Until last fall, when watching a video during a prayer group at my school, the speaker said that God loves us. And he proceeded to talk about the depth of His love. That hit me like a brick wall. I never thought about it like that. It was like on the outside I knew it because I’d grown up with that idea, but I had never actually felt it or thought about it on the deeper level. And suddenly I realized that I’d been listening to the lie that I wasn’t loved. I listened to the lie that I wasn’t wanted. And that’s when I started writing on my arm: ‘I am Loved.’

Recently, I realized that this was an alternative to cutting, which I have only thought on a few occasions. Normally, I go to the pen when I want to remember something. Whenever I started to think of the lies I was not loved, I was not smart, I was not wanted, I was not important, I was stupid, I didn’t belong here, I don’t deserve this, why do people stay with me, I am not a writer, I can’t do this, I hate life, I don’t trust people, etc. I would counter them by writing the positive on my arms. ‘I am loved, I am smart, I am wanted, I am important, I am not stupid, I do belong here, I do deserve this, people stay because they love me, I am a writer, I can do this, Life is good, I can trust people, etc.

After I started writing, ‘I am Loved’ over and over on my wrist with sharpie, I realized that I needed that reminder forever. I needed to be able to see it without writing it all the time. I needed to always know I was loved, to remember, to be reminded over and over. And writing on myself was a way for me to be reminded of things.

So I decided to get a tattoo of ‘I am Loved’ on my wrist. I did not feel the absolute need to get it until a few weeks ago. I always knew I wanted to get it, but it was always in the future. At least until  I started to write on myself again a few weeks ago and realized that I needed to get it. I knew now was the time to get it. I am healing from the past few years. I am healing from the lies. I am healing from the depression. I am healing from the internal scars. And I know I am loved. Although, that doesn’t mean I still don’t need a reminder, which is why the tattoo is also important. It is a reminder of the past, and the present, and the future. It is a reminder of who I am on the inside. It is a reminder of everything in my life.

The other reason this tattoo is important is that it is on my wrist.  ‘I am Loved’ on my wrist is significant because of the placement. The wrist is where the nails went in when Jesus was crucified. So it is a double meaning for love.

So yes, I got a tattoo. I realize some people believe they are tacky and regrettable. But I don’t. The thing with mine is, even when I am old and with wrinkles, I will still read it with a smile and remember.

 

 

So this weekend was a dream. I got to go to the Doctor Who Festival and play Quidditch in the Southern Cup.

Elissa and I had to get up at 5:30 to get to the Doctor Who festival on time. But as soon as we got there, it was so worth it. First off, we got to listen to Mark Gatiss and Kate, the person who works with creating the monsters!! Mark is hilarious. And it was soooo cool getting to hear about the creatures and to look at some of them!!

After that, we watched a talk on the special effects!!! That was so cool! Then we looked at costumes and the set of Davros’s sick room from the first 2 episodes of Series 9. After that, we went to a talk on how many people it takes to work on a TV show. It was done by the assistant directors of Doctor Who. Which made me SO happy because that is my dream job. I got to talk to the 3rd assistant director, which was awesome. She gave me some great advice. 🙂

After that we got to listen to the writers of Doctor Who, Moffat, and two other writers! It was so awesome. 🙂 And then, the cast. Peter Capaldi (The Doctor), Jenna Louise Coleman (Clara), Ingrid (Osgood), Michelle Gomez (The Master), and Moffat. It was mostly question and answer. It was so amazing. And also, Capaldi is my favourite!! He is so cool!! So is Jenna, she is so so nice!! 😀 And Michelle is HILARIOUS!!

Then we went to a workshop with the director of Doctor Who and Sherlock: Douglas Adams. He talked about what it was like to direct. To demonstrate, he decided to do a scene from the Doctor Who episode “Listen.” I got picked to play Clara. It was so freaking awesome. I got to act with using some of the script, and as Clara, under the director of Doctor Who. AND…the sound guys told me I was good. AND…when I got the director’s signature, he told me that I was a good actor. I got told by the director of Doctor Who that I WAS A GOOD ACTOR. I am in heaven. I can’t believe it. Seriously, amazing. :D:D:D:D

We went shopping after that. I got a Doctor Who bag, and tote bag, and I’m pretty sure Elissa and I are the only ones that buy Sherlock mugs from a Doctor Who festival. Then I got some presents. 😉

After that, we got our picture taken on the set of Clara’s “house” when she is asleep as a Zygon. (it happens in her head but looks like her house). It was so neat! Then we looked at prosthetics and I talked to Kate (monster creator) who was soooo cool and freaking nice!! 😀 And one of the other monster creators! He talked to me a bit about how the monsters were made.

That was the end of our day. And it was entirely amazing. Basically, I love movies and this confirmed the fact that I need to work on a film set. Preferably Doctor Who. Which, honestly, the people I talked to there, did not think that was all that far fetched!!! :D:D:D

Sunday, I also had to get up super early to get to the Quidditch pitch. We played our game, and lost. BUT we played a Varsity team, which means, we ended up being Oxford Blue (Varsity), which was sooo cool! 😀 The Oxford Radcliffe Chimeras (the other team, we are the Quidlings), ended up winning the Southern Cup. Which was so freaking awesome! I made a few friends and it was soooo cool to see Quidditch played by really great teams!! :D:D:D Also, fun fact, Oxford was the first Uni with a Quidditch team!

In case you couldn’t tell by my bad grammar and excitedness, this was an amazing weekend. I’m exhausted, but so freaking happy. I can’t believe my life right now. 😀

Ok, so we are more than halfway through the term, but still, we are living on a prayer. I am almost done with a super hell week. I’ve had 2 tutorials and a seminar essay proposal. Which means, I wrote a 15 page fiction piece, a 8 page essay, and will be filling out semi-complicated questions about what I am going to write my large essay on.

Oh, and also lots of blood. My essay was on Dracula, and my fiction piece was excerpts taken from a novel ‘Dark Night of Blood.’ Basically, lots of blood.

And sweat (biking)…and tears (stress)…and exhaustion (not enough hours in the day, too many late nights)….

And happiness in the form of an excursion to London last Saturday with Elissa. We went around to all the famous landmarks, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Trafalgar Square, etc. We also saw Westminster Abbey, the Tower of London, Big Ben, and Tower Bridge, at dusk and night, which was absolutely stunning and beautiful. I love London at night. It is so pretty! We went to King’s Cross  Station and got pictures taken at Platform 9 3/4. We went to the Sherlock Holmes Museum as well. And we got to know the Underground system, specifically, the circle line, like pros because we kept riding back and forth on it. All in all, a fun day.

Tuesday Anna and I went to the Kilns, C.S. Lewis’s house. It was so cool to see, and we had a fun study break! The property around it is absolutely gorgeous. And the ponds on the land are what inspired the Wood Between the Worlds in Magician’s Nephew.

Not to mention, I have a GREAT weekend to look forward to. Saturday is the long anticipated, can’t believe it’s happening, Doctor Who Convention. I get to see the actors and the creators of Doctor Who and do all sorts of amazing things that in America would cost $300+ dollars. (The price of the ticket for this event, which includes EVERYTHING but any extra photos you might want was only $100). And Sunday I get to play in a Quidditch Cup. Yay!

So, I’m hanging in there. Tired but happy. Basically I’m feeling Ron’s line from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: “So basically, you’re going to suffer, but you’re going to be happy about it.” Yep, sums up my life right now. Also, Piano Guys cover of “Fight Song” is my new motto. Look up the music video, it’s amazing.

I can’t make this a super long post because I’m still very busy, but I will try to write after the weekend.

I have had quite an exciting week so I will recap for you.

To start off with, I had the most amazing birthday!!! I spent the day going to 2 good lectures, reading Oliver Twist in Blackwells and Cafe Nero and buying books. I bought a copy of Northanger Abbey. Then I went to the Eagle and Child and hung out with friends. Afterwards, Julia, Karl, and I watched The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. We realized that come December, that movie is ten years old. It came out when I was 11. After that I got to Skype with my family and Nick. It was truly an amazing day. My friends are so wonderful, and the only thing I bought all day was coffee. Karl and Jessica would not let me pay for lunch or dinner. 🙂 I have some of the best friends.

Halloween was wonderful as well. I dressed up as Lucy Pevensie. I even used a red body wash bottle for the cordial. Yeah, I’m a creative college student. Hehe. The Halloween party was the best I have ever been to!

I woke up sick on Sunday, but I’m pretty proud of myself because I still ended up finishing my seminar proposal and Oliver Twist.

Monday night was a very interesting night, however. I think I am so tired that my brain is doing really weird things. Basically, I had the insane urge to kill a character. There, now I’m probably on the government watch list, probably in two countries. I watched the Peter Pan with Jason Issacs (ok, so watch that if you hadn’t. It’s one of the best renditions of Peter Pan out there, and the music is phenomenal!). And I’m not sure it was directly affected to the movie or not, but I had the insane urge to write, and to write something really really sad. I knew I could not go to bed without writing. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. In fact, it was very hard working on my essay because all I wanted to do write fiction. It was so freeing and wonderful to write. I worked on my fantasy series, which I have not done anything with for awhile. Again, it reminded me why I love to write and why I am doing what I am doing. And I got really happy about killing a character and breaking people’s hearts. Perhaps I have watched too much stories written by Moffat….*cough* Doctor Who *cough*. Yeah, now I am definitely on a watch list. Writer problems. Hehe. My brain. 

And then there was Tuesday. I wrote all of my essay in 2 and 1/2 hours (record!) except for the conclusion. This was good because Jessica and I were going into London to go see Les Miserable at the Queens Theater in the West End. To get to the theater we had to go through China Town, which was so cool! I have never been to a China Town before. They had red lanterns hanging over the street. Oh, and Oxford Street in London had great big balls of silver and gold spanning across the street. It was quite impressive. London is starting to decorate for Christmas, and I can’t wait! 

Anyway, we get out of China Town and the Queens theater is right there. It was so cool!! The inside of the theater was beautiful and it was much smaller than many of the theaters in America. We had seats in the upper circle right in the front (PERFECT seats!) and the really neat bit? We could see almost single facial expression because we were still that close!! That in and of itself was so amazing.

And the production…let’s just say, it was even a little better than the West End touring production I saw several years ago. Why? Because the stage was the way Les Mis is supposed to be performed: there was a giant circle in the middle that turned during much of the production. That added a whole new element to the show, that was the coolest thing ever. The barricade was amazing. And the acting was amazing (except for Cosette, she wasn’t very good). But Marius was the best Marius I have ever seen. And Peter Lockyer as Valjean is my favourite next to Alfie Boe. And Javert…when he sang his suicide soliloquy, I literally sat there with my mouth hanging open. It was the best I have ever heard. I teared up during One Day More, the barricade (especially because Enjolras fell off behind it and then they turned it around and he’s hanging there with the red flag just like in the movie), and Empty Chairs at Empty Tables. But the ending, the ending is what got me. As soon as my favourite line: ‘To Love another Person is to Love the Face of God’ was said, I lost it. I started sobbing so hard I was shaking. And when everyone started singing ‘Do you hear the people sing?’ I realized I could not stop crying because I was so insanely happy. It was a beautiful production.

Yesterday evening, Patriarch Bartholomew I visited Oxford to speak at the Student Union. He came to our church here. I ended up standing right near him in the church during the Doxology we did (even though dad’s not around, I apparently can’t get away from standing near clergy, hehe). I got his blessing and he gave everyone an icon of the Mother of God. During the small reception I got another blessing from him and he gave me a cross (he was giving them out to the kids and young adults). I also got Metropolitan Kaliestos’s blessing. And I got to go to the Student Union for free to listen to the Patriarch. It was truly wonderful.

This week I wrote an essay on the names in Dickens’s Oliver Twist. It was really fun, and weirdly easy. And my tutor said it was my best one yet!

I think I’ve caught you up on everything! God willing on Saturday a few of my friends are planning on going into London to go to the British Museum and I also want to go to 221B and King’s Cross. Stay tuned for that story…