If you had asked me several months ago if I liked my 20th year, I would have looked at you and said: “Heck no. This is the most horrible year of my life.”

And for the first part of the year, perhaps that is true. I was depressed and had very bad anxiety. I was unable to see the good in life. However, I view it differently now.

That’s not to say that I did not have some great experiences. I got to spend some lovely time with my boyfriend and his family. I got to be in three shows during my spring semester of Sophomore year, one of them Henry V!  I got to take some pretty awesome classes. I got to go to Florida with some of my best friends and go to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios (one thing off my bucket list!).

However, after Spring Break was when things really started to go downhill. I had a huge panic attack on the beach on the last day in Florida. I should not have had a panic attack. There was no explanation. It just happened. That was when I realized there was something more going on than just depression and stress anxiety. I was struggling in school because of the depression that threatened to make me feel suicidal if I wasn’t active with talking with my friends and my coping mechanisms. My self esteem plummeted and I listened to the lies that the enemy told me of myself. I was not confident at all. I felt like I was worthless, unloved, and a failure.

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar, it scared me. How was my personality going to change? I did not want to lose my ability to get excited about writing and write like the wind. I did not want to lose the good aspects of my personality. I just wanted to get rid of the constant depression and lies.

The medication did change me. But it changed me in a great way. It did not get rid of my passion for writing or my favorite things. It did get rid of the constant dark I lived in. I was finally able to see the light.

And suddenly my whole outlook on life changed. Looking back now, I am able to see the positive instead of the negative of the past year. I am able to feel happy about my life instead of wanting to end it. I am able to see all the wonderful things God has put in my life in the past few years, and especially this year, with all the opportunities I have gotten to do that I never thought possible.

But the best thing that happened this year is obviously me getting to go to Oxford and explore England. I wasn’t confident about getting in, and when I did, it actually helped to dispel many of the lies I believed. I was able to use the fact that I got into Oxford to try to convince myself that I was smart and not a failure because if I was, I would not have gotten into Oxford (which, I understand is bad logic and untrue, but that was how I had to view it to get rid of the negative thoughts). I’ve already talked about this previously, so I won’t get into much detail. But I am just so blessed and happy to be here. And I will always remember the fact that I am able to be here on my 21st birthday and have so many wonderful experiences with some of the best people I have ever met. I can’t even begin to describe it.

Even with the hard things I have had to deal with this year, being able to look at the positive and dwell on the fact that I have a great life, great experiences, great friends, a great boyfriend, and a great family has made me the happiest person. God has been with me every step of the way, even when it is hard for me to realize this. And I am so grateful that he has helped me through this year and shown me what a great life I have.

I am so excited for my 21st year and what God has in store for me this year. Because I will never believe that I will not have some great opportunities in life and get to do some really great things, and live my dreams.